As parents, our first instinct is usually to shield our children from pain and discomfort. This is especially true for mothers, as our nurturing instincts wants to keep all forms of harm at bay. From the very first day that our precious baby enters the world, we are hardwired to respond to the littlest of cries. If you’ve ever been a nursing mother, you are well aware that our bodies have a physical reaction to the sound of their cries. That’s how much we dislike seeing our child in distress.
But there comes a point where we need to allow them to feel some discomfort. They need to learn to develop their own tools and skills to cope with hard stuff that life will throw at them. If we shelter them from every potential pain or hurt, we are depriving them of the much-needed opportunity to grow as individuals so that when they enter this big, scary world on their own they’re well-equipped and ready to thrive.
I recently had a conversation with one of my teenagers about this season of our lives that we’re in. There’s a lot of changing happening for us, and sometimes with change comes discomfort. As we were having this little heart-to-heart, I realized I could take the conversation in one of two directions.
1. I could shelter her from the fact that I, too, am feeling some discomfort in this season of change.
OR
2. I could carefully let her in on some of the things that have been weighing on my heart.
I chose the second option. I chose to carefully craft my words to share with her some of what’s been on my heart, BUT (and this is crucial) I was very intentional about emphasizing my faith in God to walk us through this valley.
You see, I think it’s important to be an example for our children in all we do. And sometimes, when it’s age appropriate and done correctly, that means modeling for them how to handle the pitfalls of life. How do we handle stress, uncertainty, rejection, fear, loneliness? As children inch closer to adulthood, there’s value in them seeing their parents as humans who also have struggles. And as they see that, they can also be taught how to navigate those struggles.
So, how do we ensure we’re doing this in an effective way that doesn’t cause harm?
1. Make sure you share only what is appropriate for their age and maturity level.
If I start voicing my concern about finances, for instance, with an eight year old, they might start fearing that we’re going to run out of food or be homeless or something extreme. They don’t have the maturity to put that voiced concern in context. But if I share my concern about finances with teenagers, they can understand the context of what I’m saying. Like, I’m concerned that our spending is getting out of control and we need to be more diligent in how we handle our resources.
2. Don’t overshare.
You don’t want to overwhelm your children with unnecessary worry. Even teenagers need to be guarded to some degree, so share only what is necessary to serve as a teaching moment. Children should never be playing the role of therapist, so if you do decide to let your children in on your struggles, do it in moderation so as not to overwhelm them.
3. Be intentional.
Intentionality is pretty much the inspiration of this blog, so it’s no surprise that I would add it here. We should always be very careful with our words, and I think spouting off worries and struggles to your children without being intentional will cause a mountain of harm. The Bible has lots to say about the wisdom there is in being guarded with what comes out of our mouths.
Those who guard their lips, preserve their lives, but those who speak rashly will come to ruin. – Proverbs 13:3
4. Have a lesson when you share.
This goes along with intentionality. Not only should you be careful in how and what you say, but you need to make sure that you’re sharing with a goal and purpose to teach. Pray about what lessons the Lord wants you to be teaching your children before they leave your care. God is generous when we ask Him for wisdom and insight, and I believe He will open the eyes of your heart to see what truths He wants you to be pouring into your kids’ hearts.
There are a multitude of things we need to be teaching our kids before they leave the home. The world can be rough, and they won’t be immune to difficult times in their lives. If you’re walking through a valley, ask God if and how He wants you to use that valley as a means to glorify Him and use it for a greater purpose.
Life is short, be mindful about everything.
