I think it’s a pretty universal desire as parents to raise children who respect us. And I don’t just mean the type of respect that obeys “because I said so.” I mean the type of respect that comes with admiration and honor. But how do you do that? The following thoughts are universal to all parents, but if you’re single mom like I am, well then these thoughts are especially for you (we have a harder time with this, I believe).
I’ve been asked to lead a breakout session for single moms at a parenting conference. Yikes. I’ve never done anything like this before, and it had me all sorts of emotional as I feel so humbled and grateful that my church leadership thought God could use my story and experience to bring hope and insight to other single moms. One of the topics we’re going to be discussing is the struggle we face to establish authority without a male presence in the home and how you establish a spirit of respect. So, I’ve been praying and pondering, wondering what has happened in my 9 years of single-parenting that has caused my children to respect me. The only thing I can confidently say I did right was kneeling before the Lord time and time again, begging Him to give me wisdom because without Him, I’ll screw it all up. Then, following in obedience if I felt the Spirit leading.
But, I can’t really lead an hour long session with that one bit of insight, although I do feel it’s best thing any parent can do. But still, I needed some more substance. So, I went to my two oldest children, seeing as one is an adult at (19 and away at college) and the other is just a few months shy of being an adult. We had some great discussions, and they shared with me their perspective on why they respect me, things I did right, and things I did wrong.
LEAD BY EXAMPLE
Our kids are watching us, whether we like it or not, and whether we notice it or not. They may not even be able to see how our seemingly small day-to-day actions amount to anything of substance, but my son said that as he grew older, he could see that I was leading by example. To him, that was super important, especially as a teenager. If I wanted him to talk in a respectful tone, then I needed to. If I wanted him to clean up his room, then I needed to make sure my stuff was tidy. If I wanted to encourage him to get in the Word, then he needed to see my Bible open.
KNOW THE “WHY” BEHIND YOUR RULES
“Because I said so” is hardly ever a sufficient answer. Especially the older your child gets. Now, I’m not advocating allowing your child to be argumentative and question your every move. In fact, there are some instances where they simply won’t be able to understand your “why” and they need to just trust “because I say so.” Think of a small girl not being allowed to go to the park alone. You have to be really careful about how much you share about the dangers posed to her if she were to do that, and so, a certain element of “because I say so” will be present. However, if you know your “why” behind your rules, you can open up communication and help your child understand that your rules are not arbitrary, but serve a very useful purpose – their safety and well-being. The more you explain why you have the rules you have, the more your child will see that they are in place because YOU LOVE THEM.
BE CONSISTENT
Children thrive off of consistency. And the quicker your child learns that you mean business and a broken rules means a consequence, the sooner they’re likely to foster a spirit of obedience. However, if they feel like they can get away with things even 25% of the time, they’ll push boundaries. Our world is filled with rules and consequences. We’re doing our children a disservice if we don’t teach them that. They will grow up and need to follow laws, obey rules at work, and pay taxes. All things that have consequences if the rules aren’t followed. So, be consistent and teach them that there are consequences to broken rules.
NEVER PUNISH OUT OF YOUR OWN EMOTION
When you do have to give consequences, you should never do it out of your own frustration. The punishment you give should have nothing to do with how you feel, but rather should be thought-out and have the purpose of correcting behavior. If your child sees a punishment given out of your anger then they are more likely to focus on that being the reason they were punished…because they frustrated you…rather than on the bigger life-lesson.
BE HUMBLE
IF you mess up…admit it. My oldest children explained to me that they knew they could trust me because I wasn’t afraid to humbly go to them when I messed up. If I lashed out at them because I was having a bad day then I made sure to admit that and apologize. The reason doing this is important is because it teaches them that I am willing to admit my failures which makes me a more trustworthy person. It’s hard to trust someone who stubbornly holds to their justifications even when they’re in the wrong.
COMMUNICATE
Communicate, communicate, communicate. I wrote a post about talking with teens HERE if you want a little more insight into how to establish good communication. My kids told me that they knew they could come to me with their thoughts and feelings because I was willing to share my thoughts and feelings with them. The openness we had when talking helped to foster a mutual respect and understanding.
GIVE MORE FREEDOM AND AUTONOMY AS THEY GROW OLDER
In my home growing up, I was told by my parents, “We will trust you until you give us reason not to.” It’s sort of like “Innocent until proven guilty.” Your child needs to gain more freedom and autonomy as they grow older so they can be inching towards independence as an adult. My oldest son said this meant a lot to him in his teenage years as he was learning how to become a man and find his own way in the world. He said he valued the room I gave him to learn and make his own mistakes while still maintaining a sense of structure. By allowing him to do that, I was respecting his need to find his own way, which in turn, made him respect me as his mom.
Raising kids who respect you isn’t something that can be done with any sort of bullet-point list. It is built upon thousands of interactions that build up to it. I won’t pretend that these thoughts I’ve laid out will guarantee you end up with kids who respect you. However, I will say that if you seek the Lord in humility, follow in obedience, and show your kids that you are genuinely trying to be the best you can be for them, the odds are pretty good that your children will grow up admiring and respecting you.
