Our society has been making a devastating shift towards victimhood. Too many people now believe they are victims and look to others to fix everything for them. Who they are and what they experience and the joy they have is the result of what life has dealt them. Or so they believe. But is that really true? And how do you ensure your kids don’t grow up with that same victim mentality?
Have you ever heard of locus of control? It is the degree to which a person believes they have control over their own actions. In a nutshell, it could be described as the degree to which a person believes life simply happens to them compared to believing their decisions impact how they experience life.
Does life control me or do I control my life?
External locus of control says, “I am the victim.”
Internal locus of control says, “I have power to change my life.”
Those with a high internal locus of control believe they have more power over the course of their lives while people with high external locus of control believe that control is outside of their power (external), and they are essentially “victims” to what happens to them.
People who have an internal locus of control are shown to be linked to healthier lifestyles with better physical and mental well beings (as described in this study here). There is even a correlation between financial disorders and one’s locus of control (as described in this study here). So, we know that even the extent that we BELIEVE we have power over our lives has an impact on the very quality of our lives.
Empowering your child to feel like they have power over the direction of their life seems like a good idea, yes?
So, how do you raise children who don’t have a victim mentality.
DON’T BE A VICTIM YOURSELF
Children are like parrots; they will repeat what they’re taught. What do you believe about your life? Think about your reaction when things aren’t going your way. Do you say things like, “Why does this always happen to me?”. Or when things are going right do you believe that you simply got lucky? Modeling to your children that your choices and your actions lead to certain outcomes is the first big step in teaching your children how to feel empowered.
TEACH CAUSE AND EFFECT
Kids need to understand what cause and effect means, and this can be taught in so many ways. In fact, I’d argue that this point should be made anytime something even minorly significant happens.
Did your child get a bad grade on a test? Some parents might be quick to chalk it up to a mean, strict teacher or a child who “just isn’t good at school.” But every time your child gets a grade back, you should have a conversation that asks if the grade was a reflection of the effort that was put in.
Were you able to take your kids on a vacation or send them to summer camp? Explain to them that they aren’t just lucky kids who get to go to Disney World. Rather, tell them that they were able to have that experience because you worked hard and set aside money to make it happen.
TEACH YOUR CHILD TO ASK THEMSELVES, “CAN I BE DOING SOMETHING TO CHANGE THIS?”
Teaching cause and effect is great, but teaching your child to ask themselves if there is something they can be doing to change a situation is where the ultimate power is in raising empowered kids. It’s teaching them to problem-solve in one of the best ways. It is teaching them how to have the confidence to overcome challenges.
There may not always be something that can be done differently. Maybe your child really is dealing with an unnecessarily mean and strict teacher, and your child gave it their all. Great. Point out their effort and explain that the world isn’t always going to be fair. But the important thing is that they do try because more often than not, the world will give back what you put in. Teaching your child to approach problems and goals with a curious mindset that asks if there is a way to get to a desired outcome is a really powerful tool that will benefit your child their entire life.
REINFORCE AND PRAISE WHEN THEIR ACTIONS LEAD TO GOOD OUTCOMES
Every time your child has a good outcome, it should be noted, praised, and tied to their choices that got them there. Do they have a best friend? Well, they have such a good friend because they are a good friend. Did they get an A on their test? Yes, because they worked hard and studied. Did you treat them to ice cream? Why? Because they were obedient and picked up all their toys.
Whatever good thing is happening, ask yourself if your child’s actions had something to do with it, and if the answer is “yes”, then point it out to your child so they can see that they have the power to change their life for better or worse.
Life gives you what you put into it.
Raising kids who don’t have a victim mentality means setting them up to be more resilient and confident later in life.
