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In an ideal world, parents all around the world would feel like communicating with their teenagers was breezy and effortless. Their teen would come to them with both their triumphs of the day as well as their struggles. When asked a question, the teen would never shrug and offer a muffled grunt in response. Teenage girls would communicate their feelings free of emotional outbursts and teenage boys would articulate their feelings outside the scope of “I’m fine.”
In an ideal world.
But the reality we live in is that it’s all too common for communication between parents and teens to be difficult and fractured. Parents are left feeling like they don’t know how to connect with their teenager, and the teenager feels like they’re simply not understood.
So, how do you get to the place where your teenager will talk to you? I wish I had a “Follow these 3 simple steps…” plan, but the truth is that it takes a lot of little wins along the way to establish solid, healthy communication between parent and teen. What I can do, though, is share some things that I think contribute to that healthy dynamic and help propel you in the right direction.
SHOW GENUINE INTEREST
When you ask how their day was, be sure you’re not distracted by doing something else. Put the phone down, stop folding the laundry, turn the tv off. Give them your undivided attention, look them in the eyes, and get curious. If they said their day was fine, ask them what the best part of the day was. Ask how their science test went. Ask them if all sorts of seemingly mundane questions. The more curious you are to hear about what their day was like, the more they will feel like you have a genuine interest in their life.
ASK OPEN-ENDED QUESTIONS
The type of questions you ask are really important. If you ask a close-ended question that only has “choices” for answers then you aren’t leaving room for your teenager to add their own thoughts and feelings to the conversation. A close-ended question would be, “Did you have a good day?” where the answer can be limited to a “yes” or “no.” Or, you can phrase the question in a way that prompts your teenager to add their own color to the answer such as, “What was the best part of your day?” or “What was the worst part of your day?”. My kids’ youth group does something similar, and they call it sharing your high and low of the day. It’s just a great way to get kids talking about their life, both the good and the bad.
SHARE ABOUT YOU LIFE
Your first thought might be, “My teenager does not want to hear about my boring, adult life.” And that may be the case. But you might also find that they learn to appreciate feeling like you want to include them in what’s going on with your life. It can help build trust and strengthen those communication bond. Teenagers are on the brink of adulthood, and they crave independence and feeling like the world sees them as more than a child. A conversation with a small child looks a lot different than a conversation with an adult. The conversation is very one-sided, focused on the child’s thoughts, feelings, interests. But a conversation with an adult should be a two-way street, where both parties contribute. So be mindful of how your conversations are with your teenager…are you still communicating with them like they’re a child?
DO AN ACTIVITY
More often than not, a good conversation with a teenager isn’t going to happen in a face-to-face setting. There’s too much pressure and the opportunity for awkwardness. I’m not saying they NEVER happen in that setting, but if you really want to get your teenager at ease and talking, do stuff with them. But it has to be the right activity. Like, you’re not going to get a good conversation going while bowling. But you might if you’re fishing. Or baking. Or hiking. Or doing crafts. Or walking around a museum. You get the drift. Do something that takes the pressure and focus off of them, but make sure it’s something that leaves room for conversation. You are not only making memories, you’re making yourself approachable and available to them. And maybe the sharing won’t happen during the activity. But it might soften up your teenager’s guard just enough for them to approach you later. And again, we’re not looking for a quick fix. We’re looking for things that lay the foundation of ongoing healthy communication.
WRITE IT OUT
My daughter, by nature, is not a sharer. That being said, though, I knew that shortly after my divorce, she felt a need and a desire to share but just really struggled with feeling comfortable doing that. So, I asked her if it would be easier to write it down. She thought it might be so I went out and bought her a pretty journal, a nice pen, and some fun stickers and that was the day that “our” journal was created. Before I gave it to her I wrote her a note letting her know I’m always here to listen, her feelings are important, and it’s good to learn to share with those you trust. It took her a little while, but one day, there was the journal sitting on my bed with her own note back to me. Back and forth we’d write to each other, until one day, the writing stopped. She resurrected it the other day, after a few years of being dormant, and she apologized for letting so much time go. I laughed and said, “Honey, we don’t need this anymore…we talk now!”. All it took was for her to have a means to get comfortable sharing her thoughts without feeling pressure or discomfort. And now, on the brink of turning 16, she talks to me about pretty much any topic and says I’m her best friend.
Here are a few journal ideas for you:
There really isn’t a set formula for communicating with teenagers, but I do believe that if you intentionally put forth effort and do it in a way that is sensitive to your individual child’s personality, needs, and communication style, healthy and abundant communication really can be attainable. My oldest son is 19, off at college across the country, and he still calls me at least once a week and we easily have an hour long conversation. He shares about his classes, his friends, his dating life, his spiritual life…you name it. But that didn’t happen by chance. We work hard to keep communication open and healthy, but I can promise you, the hard work is well worth it.
