In the early days after my divorce I knew that single parenting was going to be tough. I knew that the simple logistics of a one-parent home was going to be difficult to navigate – not having another adult to tag-team while you tackle everything that comes with not just parenting, but adulting, in general. Sick kids, bills, grocery shopping, cleaning, working, dentist appointments and play dates. I was mentally prepared to confront those challenges alone.
What I wasn’t prepared for was the loneliness.
Loneliness as a single parent feels different, I think. I’m not saying it’s harder than someone who is alone with no children. My days are filled with love and laughter and hugs. I always have someone around who will run errands, play a game, watch a movie, or bake cookies with me. I’m not alone, per se. But wow, do I feel alone a lot of the time.
Last year I had the privilege of leading a breakout session at a parenting conference. I was talking to another mom about the group I was leading (single moms), and she told me she had recently been reminded of a very challenging day she had years ago when her children were little. There was nothing monumental that made that particular day a challenging one. It was just one of those days. I imagine it was one of those days where you’re tired and the kids are needy and you’re struggling to even enjoy being a mom because you feel invisible and in constant demand. One of those days where you just want a few minutes to gather your thoughts and maybe give yourself a little pep talk, but you can’t because you need to make dinner and somebody spilled juice and the dog traipsed in muddy prints. You know the kind of day I’m talking about. She said that her husband got home from work, and she just broke down in tears. And he, being a loving husband, took the parenting baton from her so she could take a break and take care of herself. And in her moment of remembering that day, the Lord softened her heart to the reality that us single parents face every single day.
We don’t have anyone to pass the baton to.
And that, my friends, is the loneliness that is a different breed of loneliness unique to single parenting. It is the loneliness that you feel at the end of the day when you so desperately want to share in the parenting struggles with your partner. But there is no partner. There is no sounding board to bounce feelings off of. There’s nobody to help you navigate the challenges that a particular child may be going through. There’s nobody to give you a hug and tell you you’re doing a good job even when you don’t feel like you are.
For me, the loneliest of days are the days where my kids are emotionally struggling. Whether it’s them processing the pain of having an absent father, problems with friends, or any other thing that is weighing their hearts down, it is in those moments that I feel most alone. It takes a lot to help my kids process through big feelings. Legitimate, justified big feelings. It’s especially hard when I’m having a day where I’m feeling my own big feelings. The emotional strength it takes for any parent, married or single, to set aside our own struggles to help our children navigate theirs is a hard, difficult task. But it’s especially hard to do that and not have a partner to share that burden with.
I don’t have a quick fix for you, my friend. I wish I did. I wish I had a simple 3-step plan to take away the loneliness. Sure, there are things you can do to help ease the pain of the loneliness. Maybe help ease the intensity a bit. You can have a gratitude journal. Call a friend. Join a support group. And those things are helpful. To a degree. But I know in my heart that the loneliness never fully goes away. I’d liken it to the pain of losing a loved one. You will forever feel the sadness that they’re gone. You will forever miss them when you think of them. Time might lessen the intensity. You can fill your life with tools to help cope or distractions to hep divert. But it’s always there, even if buried underneath the surface. And so, I believe, remains the loneliness of single parenting.
God didn’t intend for this job to be done alone. So to step outside His intended design will be felt. Whether you’re a single parent due to divorce or death or a one-night stand, you’re doing the job that God intended for two, and there will be struggles.
Now, I don’t want to leave you feeling hopeless. Doing anything outside the way God originally designed is going to be harder than if it were done how He intended it to be. But that’s where God’s beautiful grace and mercy really get to shine.
2 Corinthians 12:9-10 (NIV)
“But he said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.’ Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.”
I may be experiencing parenting in a much more challenging way than my married friends. But I also know deep in my soul that these same challenges have allowed me to experience God’s love in a way I would not have known otherwise. Many times in this season of my life I have quite literally fallen to the ground in tears before the Lord crying out that the burden is too much for me to carry. It has been in those moments that He has asked me to trust Him. To lay the burden of parenting at His feet and trust what He’s doing. And as I learned to do that, I saw His mighty hand work time and time again.
The loneliness how I understand it in it’s earthly form doesn’t subside. I still feel physically alone. But my loneliness in it’s spiritual form went away a long time ago. I may not have a husband to wrap his arms around me, tell me I’m doing a good job, and then insist I take a break. But I have something so much better.
I have a Heavenly Father who wraps His arms around me, tells me I’m doing a good job, and then reminds me that if I keep running the race and doing the work, my life and that of my children’s will be so much more beautiful and fulfilling than I ever could have imagined.
Sometimes God eases the burden in the physical world. Sometimes He doesn’t. I know without any doubt, though, that if He chooses not to ease the burden it is because He is using that burden to transform me into His image. He is using that burden in ways I can’t yet see, but I know if I trust Him and walk in obedience, He will be glorified through my struggles.
Dear friend, I know this path is hard. I see your pain and loneliness. I know the fear you have that it will always feel this way. But I’m here to tell you – if you lay that burden at His feet, He will move in ways you can’t even imagine. Soften your heart, trust your Father, and keep running the race. Trust me, it’s worth it.
